Ammi

 Accidents are not accidents but precise arrivals at the wrong time. (Dejan Stojanovic )

Ammi, The day when you left us still haunts me. Seeing you in ICU with all of the monitors and not being able to touch you was the hardest thing I ever had to go through. And the talk we had in that room is keen memory for me 

 Looking back now, I know that I couldn't bear to watch the monitors flatline and see you turning your face to the other side, to take your last breath because that is not how I wanted to remember you. It's been 23 years. When you left us alone I found things difficult without you. Gone through big life changes without your guidance and advice, and had my kids without your presence. The mourning never really ends. Even after many years while there may not be active grieving, my heart aches every moment. My feelings, thoughts, hopes, desires and attitudes are influenced by you, who exists in my heart and mind, and forever will. I miss your protectiveness, your encouragement, your praise, and warmth. There are many times in my life when your absence is painful. My graduation, wedding, leaving for a new place to start a new life and its challenges, and of course when Ali and Asad came into my life. This is when the wound is re-opened. I see your reflection in me and in the upbringing of my kids, I see your reflection in me when I  play a role in raising them better human beings. I always try to follow your footprint. You are special to us but not here to share these...The fear that my kids will never be able to understand you fully, and they'll never miss you since they don't know you; was wrong. They do talk about you. They miss you in my sad and happy moments. They share their thoughts and feelings while talking about you to lessen my pain and grief. When I look into the mirror to see myself with all the hardship I have gone through to nest my home. I see you smiling down to say"that's my girl"  It's hard to drive to work every morning without thinking of you,  your struggle and hard work to raise us to be a better person. Every morning, during the day and at night you are with me reminding me, whatever effort I put is nothing compared to what you have done for us.  I wish you could see how my life and its routine have transformed like yours, you are reflecting on my daily life. I have never thought to be a teacher but ended up being one, just like you. I've learned that the pain of losing a loved one never really goes away - it just gets easier to carry. I was also beginning to think more in terms of your heavenly gain, rather than my loss. I know you would want us to be faithful and strong but I sometimes fail miserably. I rely on prayers to help us through this. In some ways, I miss you more as time passes. In other ways, time heals the pain and allows me to move forward as you would have wanted me to. 

May Allah grant you a higher place in Jannah. AMEEN